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40 Things I've learned From Independance Day
Recieved this in the mail.. thought it might suit in here 
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first.
Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your
"Death Ray" over the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building
directly under the Death Ray.
3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make
sure that you are traveling with a dog and a small child. The Law
of Averages says you'll survive the Death Ray.
5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make
sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced cable TV
executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death
Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay
the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a
middle class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive
California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees
and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and
comfort to survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base."
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the
immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding
mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards
at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets
in 120 degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across
the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the
guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster
all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter
section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears
that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20
km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and
aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and
F-18s.
18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be
taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot
an Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet
use flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor.
They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will
Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the
carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into
canyon walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored,
they do things to anger people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air
traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-
modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice
the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his
workstation.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is,
"Release me," "No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an
Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the
polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering,
manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew
in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and
an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the
Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can
take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the
problems of the past on them after victory is achieved.
30. The President's Press Secretary keeps her cell phone listed
in the phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of
your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens
might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by
making you the laughingstock of the community, never fear. When
their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who
mocked your tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you
can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death
Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you
have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray,
you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of
you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very
annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding
ring for 4 years after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus
in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly
operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it
(i.e. 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just
enough technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and
"Don't get out much."
1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first.
Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your
"Death Ray" over the most recognizable building.
2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building
directly under the Death Ray.
3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.
4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make
sure that you are traveling with a dog and a small child. The Law
of Averages says you'll survive the Death Ray.
5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into
oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make
sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced cable TV
executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death
Ray.
6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay
the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a
middle class subdivision.
7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive
California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees
and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and
comfort to survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base."
10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in
line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the
immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding
mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards
at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets
in 120 degree heat.
12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across
the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the
guard.
13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster
all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter
section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.
14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the
service, including Marines and Air Force.
15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears
that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.
16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20
km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and
aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles.
17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and
F-18s.
18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be
taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.
19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot
an Alien fighter in 5 minutes.
20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet
use flight yokes just like ours.
21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor.
They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will
Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)
22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the
carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into
canyon walls and closing blast doors.
24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored,
they do things to anger people with hand guns.
25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air
traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-
modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice
the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his
workstation.
26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is,
"Release me," "No peace," and "Die!"
27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an
Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the
polls.
28. If you're President and your administration is faltering,
manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew
in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.
29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and
an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the
Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can
take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the
problems of the past on them after victory is achieved.
30. The President's Press Secretary keeps her cell phone listed
in the phone book "in case of emergencies."
31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of
your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens
might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.
32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by
making you the laughingstock of the community, never fear. When
their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who
mocked your tale.
33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you
can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death
Ray.
34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you
have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray,
you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of
you.
35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very
annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding
ring for 4 years after the divorce.
36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus
in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly
operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. Alien network security is nonexistent.
39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it
(i.e. 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just
enough technology to possibly defend itself.
40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and
"Don't get out much."
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