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Posted: 12:04 Mar 17 2003
Notification Of Compulsory Enlistment
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III
18 Replies and 1692 Views in Total.
Posted: 12:04 Mar 17 2003 
Well, I'm not doing anything else this weekend...
It'll also be a chance for me to put into practice the theory I read yesterday on how to survive a grenade attack (don't run away, apparently 
)
It'll also be a chance for me to put into practice the theory I read yesterday on how to survive a grenade attack (don't run away, apparently )
Posted: 18:39 Mar 17 2003 wanna post that and share the fun?
by halojones
Well, I'm not doing anything else this weekend...
Posted: 21:06 Mar 17 2003 
If Bush's Holy Crusade goes to plan, this could be comming soon to an island near you!
Posted: 03:31 Mar 18 2003 
Well I know they where cutting back on the militairy
I'm kinda disappointed that the Dutch Militairy isn't sending out people as they want to lay off 6800 people this would have been their chance I guess.....
I'll have a look on wednesday
But there is a lot of stupid stuff in there: If operational conditions allow replace the barrel of a certain type of machinegun after two bulletbelts (rotate around between 2 barrels). Make sure you shoot the same amount of bullets with each barrel to ensure equal wear on both barrels.
I'm kinda disappointed that the Dutch Militairy isn't sending out people as they want to lay off 6800 people this would have been their chance I guess.....
Because I work for a militairy organisation in the Netherlands on elearning the digitalised version of the handbook for soldiers came across my desk. Did see they said something about grenade attacks but I didn't read it properly I can't access it from home though
how to survive a grenade attack
I'll have a look on wednesday But there is a lot of stupid stuff in there: If operational conditions allow replace the barrel of a certain type of machinegun after two bulletbelts (rotate around between 2 barrels). Make sure you shoot the same amount of bullets with each barrel to ensure equal wear on both barrels.
Posted: 10:16 Mar 18 2003
Of course, there's always the classic "How To Survive A Nuclear Attack": Duck and Cover! 
Posted: 10:49 Mar 18 2003 Well, of course not. If you do, how are you going to throw someone else on top of the grenade?
by halojones
how to survive a grenade attack (don't run away, apparently
Posted: 18:39 Mar 18 2003 Thats because when a grenade explodes the energy is released up and out so in theory if you lay on the ground about 6ft away you wouldn't be injured as the shrapnel/explosivev charge would most likely go over you rather than through you.(At least thats what I think it is..I read it somewhere once)
by halojones
..how to survive a grenade attack (don't run away, apparently
Posted: 21:18 Mar 18 2003
Okay, I got this from an article about a course which trains journalists to go into war zones ...
If you pull the pin from a grenade booby trap:
Lie flat on the ground on your stomach
Cross your legs "to protect your vitals"
Cover your ears
Open your mouth wide - this is because otherwise the blast will pulverise your insides (nice)
So now you know!
It stuck with me because it was the complete opposite of what I'd instinctively do, ie run like mad!
If you pull the pin from a grenade booby trap:
Lie flat on the ground on your stomach
Cross your legs "to protect your vitals"
Cover your ears
Open your mouth wide - this is because otherwise the blast will pulverise your insides (nice)
So now you know!
It stuck with me because it was the complete opposite of what I'd instinctively do, ie run like mad!
Posted: 18:32 Mar 19 2003 
How does opening your mouth wide not pulverise your insides then?
by halojones
Open your mouth wide - this is because otherwise the blast will pulverise your insides (nice)
Posted: 18:57 Mar 19 2003 
It's to do with equalising pressue I'd guess. Like astronauts are trained to keep their mouth open if they're exposed to vacuum, because otherwise their lungs would explode through their chest.
by Whistler
(quotes)
How does opening your mouth wide not pulverise your insides then?
Umm, hope no-one was eating when they read that.
Posted: 20:57 Mar 19 2003 It's maybe something to do with having your mouth open allows the force that hits your insides somewhere to escape to? (a guess)
by Whistler
(quotes)
How does opening your mouth wide not pulverise your insides then?
Posted: 20:58 Mar 19 2003 It's to do with equalising pressure I'd guess. Like astronauts are trained to keep their mouth open if they're exposed to vacuum, because otherwise their lungs would explode through their chest.
by Whistler
(quotes)
How does opening your mouth wide not pulverise your insides then?
Umm, hope no-one was eating when they read that.
Posted: 21:01 Mar 19 2003 I can't remember it exactly, (and I've thrown the article out now), but it is something like Hoggy and Milky said, it lets the shockwaves from the grenade disperse harmlessly or something.
by Whistler
(quotes)
How does opening your mouth wide not pulverise your insides then?
Don't ask me, I've always been useless at science!
Posted: 13:41 Mar 22 2003
I shall remember all this the next time someone throws a grenade at me
Posted: 23:40 Mar 22 2003
A few years back, on the eve of a holiday to Vietnam, I discovered one of my American colleagues had served in Vietnam. Two tours, no less, which struck me as a tad scary.
Anyway, he said I had to go to the firing range at Cu Chi and hear the AK-47. "Unmistakeable - Makes a sound like no other assault rifle". Very interesting, I thought, only if someone was firing an assault rifle anywhere in my vicinity, I was unlikely to be too bothered or interested as to what make excatly it was...
Did go to the range at Cu Chi though. Except I elected to fire an M-16.
Anyway, he said I had to go to the firing range at Cu Chi and hear the AK-47. "Unmistakeable - Makes a sound like no other assault rifle". Very interesting, I thought, only if someone was firing an assault rifle anywhere in my vicinity, I was unlikely to be too bothered or interested as to what make excatly it was...
Did go to the range at Cu Chi though. Except I elected to fire an M-16.
Posted: 00:14 Mar 23 2003 Depending on the type of the grenade you have 3 - 5 seconds from the time they actually leave the hand of the person that is throwing them...... So you could always risk throwing it back if you're fast enough
by Whistler
I shall remember all this the next time someone throws a grenade at me
But according to the soldiers handbook you have to make sure you're a few feet away and hit the deck. Not run as that means your back / head is exposed to it. So basically what has already been said. Didn't find anything about having your mouth open though...
Oh and don't face the grenade when you hit the deck
Posted: 10:20 Mar 23 2003