I spose it all depends on how you feel about sex, how you feel about your partner, and in a lot of ways how you were brought up, religious stance, the list is probably endless. Most couples seem to go along with the one partner sex rule, although there are some for whom having multiple partners is fine and works for them

It's all down to personal preference, for example, when married I would never have considered sex with anyone apart from my hubby, now the reasons for that would probably a lot to do with "it's just not expected or acceptable" and I had no inclination to do so... when divorced then sex became just that sex so therefore I wasn't as restricted shall we say.

Now I am in a full time relationship again I feel it's not something I think about or would want to do.

So really in answer to your questions I believe it's really all down to personal choice

On the difference between being close friends and being lovers. For me, and in my experience, there is a difference beyond bedroom ettiquette. And it is often the reason why being friends after a relationship fails can be so hard. As lovers (or partners, or whatever term you prefer), you have much more license for self expression. You form a bond that is much tighter than that of the closest friendship, an understanding which cannot be replicated as friends. As lovers, trust is essential, as is openness. I have never spent as much time continually in the company of my closest friends as I have with those lovers I have been closest.

I count myself lucky in having a number of friends I trust without question. Some I have known maybe for a year or two, others for the best part of three decades, from back when we were 5 years old. I treasure them all, and love them like family, but to compare that relationship to that of a lover, but without the messy bits, wouldn't be true.

And part of it is in the messy bedroom stuff. Maybe its just me, but when .. well, y'know .. all that is done not purely as an end in itself, but as part of a loving relationship, it creates an intimacy that friendship cannot replicate. No one can ever be closer to you than the one (or more) you love.

However, on the issue of polygmay, I'm not so traditional. I've never found myself in love with two individuals at the same time, but I have been in love, and desired, not just in a physical way, other people too. To my mind, I see no reason why physical intimacy should be limited to between two lovers. A lover is your best friend, yet you would have no problem with your lover having other best friends (at least I hope not). Equally, just because a couple do the nasty together should not mean that this should be exclusively so.

But humans are funny animals, and are easily threatened. Some people are threatened by the friendships of their lovers. Equally, most people would be threatened by their lover engaging in that kind of physical intimacy with someone else. I mean, what if they preferred it with them? That's the fear. Which, to me, is based on the all to common problem of feeling inadequate. It's not so much 'what if they prefer someone else?' as 'why wouldn't they?' It's not that we don't trust them as value ourselves.

But that doesn't mean monogamy is wrong. God knows I've done it enough myself. It's up to the individuals concerned, and where each of them are in their lives and in their relationship. There is no wrong or right, just right for you. Basically, I agree with Sange.

One last thought. Doing the nasty with anyone and doing it with a lover are very different. Purely on a physical level, I have to say doing it with someone you love is a lot more rewarding. And it is easier to develop a bond of trust between two adults in an exclusive relationship that leads to love and the really good nasty stuff, than any other way of doing things. Which kinda goes against everything I've just said, except that the easiest path isn't always the best...

*throws her tuppence into the post*

I've tried monogamy & it's not for me.
I go a little stir-crazy & end up pissing off the other person.

'Variety is the spice of life'

(Edited by Taz 19/03/2003 21:40)

Believe it or not I like the security of being in a relationship and will never cheat on someone. When I'm not in a relationship anything goes

(Edited by Teresa 19/03/2003 22:40)

I never cheated, & I don't think I ever would, I just found myself wondering "what if?"...a lot!

I cheated on a guy with 8 different people in one day...i blame LittleWitch

i once had the chance YEARS ago to have my boyfriend AND go out with his best mate (his words) but then 6 years later when i bumped into him again i found he was on drugs the entire time and didnt even remember going out with me lmao git!
i turned down the opportunity as i only really wanted him.(i was 14 it was pure puppy love, sometimes puppy love is the strongest kind) i'm more of a one person gal dunno why though but i dont get many opportunities to get even the one guy i like let alone two. i think i'd stick to one coz i'd feel too guilty if i was seeing someone else behind their backs or with their knowledge/blessings.

(Edited by EvilWillow 19/03/2003 23:52)

I'm totally monagomous...I've never cheated on someone I've went out with even when it's been offered on a plate and I never could. I feel that if you want to be with someone enough to be in a relationship then you must want to be there body and soul. Granted it doesn't stop you thinking 'what if' but those are just fantasys. I could never share my girlfriend with someone else, it would cheapen the relationship for me.

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by Milky
I could never share my girlfriend with someone else, it would cheapen the relationship for me.

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Interesting. Most people say they could never share their partner because they would be jealous. If you and your partner trust one another in every way, can overcome jealousy and are able to disassociate love from sex, then sex with other people is in no way 'cheating'. In fact, it can strengthen your relationship. It can be very exciting and liberating but, of course, is not for everyone. It's all down to personal taste and choice - wouldn't it be dull if we were all the same?

As far as the difference between a relationship with a close friend and a lover goes, I'd say that difference is the type of love. In most cases, romantic love (often sealed by 'doing the dirty') is far stronger than any other kind. In fact, I believe it's the strongest type of love you can have for anyone other than your own child. This type of love means that you would do anything for the person. I don't know about you but I would die for my partner and, much as I love my friends, I'm not sure if I would ultimately do the same for them. That's the difference (IMHO).

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by Lori
(quotes)

Interesting. Most people say they could never share their partner because they would be jealous. If you and your partner trust one another in every way, can overcome jealousy and are able to disassociate love from sex, then sex with other people is in no way 'cheating'. In fact, it can strengthen your relationship. It can be very exciting and liberating but, of course, is not for everyone. It's all down to personal taste and choice - wouldn't it be dull if we were all the same?

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My thoughts exactly. Where I used to work, they couldn't get their heads around that. They used to say how can you not get angry about your fella sleeping with someone else, but they were of the opinion that you should only have sex with someone you are in love with because sex is love. I'm not of that opinion. Yes it is often deeper and you can completely relax with your partner, but it's a totally different thing with someone else, and there are no strings.

Some people also used to say to me that an open relationship is dangerous as you'll just end up going behind each other's backs, you'll get jealous etc. But that's not the case. To even contemplate an open relationship you have to have 110% trust and be able to ignore jealousy. We never get jealous, and have no desire to sneak around, why would we.

I have also been called a slut/slag by more small-minded people, who assume that because we agree that we can go with other people, that I'm with a different bloke every night

I bet that my ex (Jazz) wishes I was like you Kel, lol

As a (not smug) married.. i believe totally and completely in fidelity. It's in the marriage vows "forsaking all others" and all of that. I have never been interested in any other man since i met my other half. If, like me, you make a vow, in a church to remain faithful, then you should. I trust Ray and he trusts me, if he betrayed me by sleeping with another girl, it would honestly break my heart (after i've cleaned up all the blood i've shed... he knows exactly what would happen if he did )

And yes, i still get jealous if another woman that i don't know, or don't know well talks to Ray even though i know he's not interested but i don't make an issue out of it.

Always one to start posting on threads late at night I know I'm not going to word this very well

As another married woman on this board I have varying opinions on this. I can see how an open relationship would be a very new an exciting way to go providing clear boundaries were made. But I'm also inwardly shy and therefore would find the more nuturing and trust issues a little strange, having already built up a tightknit relationship over 12 years.

I'm at that age though where a lot of the women I know are single. I think losing "the chase" and occassionally going out on my own with groups of single people cause irritations sometimes.

By no means am I jealous of people leading single lives or out dating, but going out as a married woman can be irritating from the perception of other men. An example of this was the charity kissing at the weekend, phrases of "does your hubby know your doing this" and "but you are married" lead me to wonder if I now have to live out another 30 years being in a cocoon. In my opinion, kissing & hugging is clearly different to wanting to bed someone

In comparison by the time my mum was 30 she was onto her second marriage with 3 kids. I clearly don't follow the same life as she does. My point being that something similar was said in Manchild last week, about their being people who can cope with being with the same person for 50 years of their lives. However, there are people who get to a point where they disgard a spouse but almost automatically move onto a new one. Could this be said to be worse than having agreed multiple partners if it keeps a relationship buzzing

In these changing circumstances, if married people can cope with having extra relationships then good on them (not saying I'd have the guts to do it ). But if the boundaries are clearly set between *both* people in the original couple and there's no behind back cheating going on then fair play.



(Edited by Pegasus 21/03/2003 01:55)

As I've mentioned above I think its all down to personal choice and I truely admire people whom have a polygamous lifestyle and do it well.

What I do wonder about though is .. why do people have a polygamous realtionship? is it because there is a lack of satisfaction in a monogamous one? can you realy have that much trust in someone that sharing what "most" people believe to be a very special act in an adult life is ok?

I spose what I mean is how do you distinguish the difference between making love with your (life) partner and having sex? is there never any feelings of insecurity of the "what if's" of the he/she is mine and I don't want anyone else to share that.

Also I feel that there is a great deal of difference between a polygamous relationship and a open relationship , to me a open realationship means you have one person to whom you are in love with yet you are free to have sex with anyone you feel, where as the whole idea of a polygamous relationship is that you are exclusivily (how I'm not quiet sure) in love with more than one person. How do you decide which one of these is right for you?

There is more I would want to explore on this subject but because of the nature of it I would have to become a lot more shall we say graphic in detail and I can't do that here.

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by Pegasus
But if the boundaries are clearly set between *both* people in the original couple and there's no behind back cheating going on then fair play.



(Edited by Pegasus 21/03/2003 01:55)

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Now I find that quite an interesting idea, can we as people be truly that honest? I've lost count of the number of couples I've seen on the net looking for "Adult" fun with either sex and the female is Bi. Maybe it's just the nature of things, maybe I've just led an extremely sheltered life, or maybe I'm just a cynic. I find it difficult to believe that people can really be that honest about how they feel about things when it comes to relationships, in my experience it can take years to build up a level of trust where you can be completely honest about how you feel about things which affect you emotionally. I've heard lots of stories where one partner has aquiesced to please the other.

Also isn't the idea of sex without complications a bit misnomeric? Can't a man or a woman satisfy themselves adequately without intervention from another human, so it's also a need for contact with another person we crave rather than just purely gratification. I think that the human animal is far more complicated, we crave other people and their interaction with us.

Sex in isolation is an oxymoron, organised chaos, I don't think we can do it!


Shall I now just go and put the straitjacket back on and rock backwards and forwards in a corner mumbling to myself??????

(Edited by TNT 21/03/2003 09:22)

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by Sange
can you realy have that much trust in someone that sharing what "most" people believe to be a very special act in an adult life is ok?

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In a word, yes. And it's not just me and my partner, we have met a lot of other people who think the same way. Sex is a "very special act" if you are in love with the person, but if you're not it's just a really enjoyable way to spend a few hours

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by Sange
can you realy have that much trust in someone that sharing what "most" people believe to be a very special act in an adult life is ok?

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To an extent, yes. One night stands & short term relationships (less than 6 months for me) are totally different to a long term relationship and I don't think trust is that much of an issue (IMO), as long as you're both comfortable and careful. I know I feel different when I'm with a new partner than I am when I have lapses and get back with the ex who I was with for 8 years or so. I'm not sure how I feel different 'cos I don't feel any more confident or relaxed etc. It's just different. I do enjoy the chase but then I get bored once I get what I've been after (as some people will testify - hee hee ) but deep down I would like to find someone who could keep me interested and have a monogamous relationship with. Well I know who he is but just have to work on him. He's almost caving in, lol.

To T and Lori, you both answered yes you can, and I do in a way understand that. I suppose what worrys me is what happens "if" you fall in love with the person? is that when an open relationship turns into a polygamous one?

I think you both answered yes to that question for differnt reasons, I tend to be able to see more what T is saying due to it being about what isn't classed (sorry if I have read you wrong here)as a long term relationship, so yes I agree having a "open realtionship" on a casual basis I have done and fully understand.

What I do find hard to get my head around is being able to have a "open/polygamous relationship" with someone you feel so strongly about you would do anything for. What is classed as trust? what are you actually trusting in that person, that they wont leave you? that they wont fall in love with the other person? that they will be carefull? that they will be there for you when you need them?


....and Normsk/TNT I'm not wanting to try it if ya thinking that with all my questions babe

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by Sange
What I do find hard to get my head around is being able to have a "open/polygamous relationship" with someone you feel so strongly about you would do anything for.

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Which is why I wouldn't/couldn't if I was in a long term relationship. *If* I got back together with my ex I wouldn't ever sleep with anyone else. A bit of flirting is ok but that would be it as far as I'm concerned. If you make a commitment to someone you should stick to it. I'm not condeming people who do have open relationships, if it works for you and makes you happy, good on ya. It's just not for me. However I would completely change my mind if Ben Affleck, Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt where to throw themselves at me