I've never been in a relationship I would describe as polygamous, so I can't comment there. As for open relationships, I don't see it as necessarily being one person you love and others that are just for sex. It's more complex than that.

The issue for me is one of ownership. I don't have a desire to own another human being, nor to be owned. I want someone to be with me because that is what they want, not because they are 'mine'. And just as I don't get jealous of my partners hanging out and being close friends with other people, I don't feel threatened by them sleeping, or caring, for other people too.If my partner sleeps with someone else does it mean they care for me less? Does it make us less .. passionate for each other? No. These things can happen anyway. Monogomy is no guarantee of a relationship lasting. It's no guarantee that you both won't change in a way that will leave you incompatable. The only danger that is larger in an open relationship than in a closed one is .. well .. passing things on. But with protection this isn't really an issue, and as Kelly said, being in an open relationship doesn't mean you're permanently going from one partner to another, just that you have the freedom to do as you want.

As for trust, for me its just a question of honesty. I need to be able to trust my partner that they'll be honest with me as to who they've been with, and of their feelings towards me. You can't trust someone not to dump you. You can't trust them to stay in love with you, because we all change, and some relationships just can't last. And there's no way to know that until it's over. And this is just as true of closed relationships. The best any of us can ask for is honesty.

And, personally, no, I do feel jealousy from time to time, whatever the type of relationship. In an open relationship, you just have to face that fear for what it is and let it go. If you do this, I find the relationship is much stronger for it.

Pretty much agree with everything JJ and Lori said. Firstly, the 'trust' thing. Sange asked 'what is there to trust?' - the answer: everything about that person! Surely, if you have a solid relationship with the person you love then you can trust them in every aspect. If your only trust for your partner is in whether they will remain faithful or not, then i'd suggest that the relationship lacks overall trust in other areas.

Most people would do just about anything (including possibly losing there life) for the one they love, so surely for that to be the case you have to trust them implicitly!

The idea of being in love with more than one person, well its interesting to me, I reckon its probably possible. I've got very strong feelings for a female friend of mine. She's attached to the guy who I think is the best person she could be going out with, and I wouldnt dream of trying to cause them any problems. However, I know my love of kelly is deeper and more proven than my feelings for a special friend.

And to re-iterate what Kel (misskitty) said, an Open Relationship doesnt have to be about trying to sleep with everyone you meet, for me its just nice that if i'm with a girl I like, and something happens, because its just a natural spur of the moment thing, then so what. And if Kel does the same thing, so long as she is safe and happy, then i'm happy. This sort of thing causes major issues in monogamous relationships. As I see it couples have exciting, fun, but fairly shallow causual sex most of the time, and less often have very deep, meaningful sex, the special stuff where you feel the bond you have with your lover. You can't have the special stuff every day, else it wouldnt be special In an open relationship, you just have the first kind with other people.

My ha'penny. :-0

ive been in a few diferent types of relationship in the past, but they all came down to trust.
even when i was in a threesome relationship, it was still formed on the trust. i would never of cheated on either of them. i dont believe in it, my parents marriage has influenced me, they were married for 40yrs until my mum died of cancer, never in all that time did either of them consider anybody else.
One day i want that, but right now im single and playing the field, both sides of it!!

Hmmmm...there are good arguments for both sides of the issue here. Personally, as a smug married (I'm allowed to be smug still, it's been less than a year!) I'm totally committed to monogamy for myself. But then, I know that I'm not really a physical person. I'm not a touchy-feely person, I don't generally go in for hugging and cheek-kissing; apart from with my husband, the most physical contact I'm likely to have with people is shaking hands. Physical intimacy, to me, comes only after emotional intimacy, only after a long time of getting to know and trust somebody.

As for polyamory, I'm sure it is possible to be deeply and equally in love with more than one person, but I'm not sure if I ever could. And I know many more examples of relationships of this type that have failed than have endured. Personally, I love my husband. To me, he's one in a billion, and I feel so lucky to have found him. I can't imagine I'd ever meet anyone else who I had so much in common with.

Bit of a side point...

Why, when a relationship ends, do we say it has 'failed'? Did you have fun? Did you enjoy many happy happy moments? Then surely it was a success? Yes, break ups are usually painful and upsetting, but if the bulk of the relationship was happy, then calling it a failure seems wrong. People change. Not changing together and remaining compatable is unfortunate, often painful, but not a failure. Or is that just me? I just don't think we should expect all relationships to be forever. Few are. We should enjoy what we get, and move on when the time is right. And if you never need or want to move on, then great! Good for you.

Anyway, glad to hear you still have the (suitably smug ) glowy happiness in your marriage, White Hart. Here's to it going the distance (which I'm sure it will).

I agree that relationships shouldn't automatically be considered failures when they end, but if there were more 'bad' times than good, then it most certainly can be considered a failure.
At the end of any relationship, it often happens that the 'bad' times appear to outweigh the good & so they are always considered as failures.

I find that after a break up even if I have done the dumping I can only remember the good times clearly and think the bad were not as bad as that and that it was a mistake to break up. I think it is a little different though when you go straight from one relationship to another.

Socialised monkeysÂ…

Fundamentalist Christians, please forgive me for what I am about to say.

Underlying modern human behaviour are biological impulses that drive us by equating pleasure with activities that are beneficial to the survival of the species.

In nature, monogamy is not the norm for either sex. Sperm is plentiful and the male impulse is to spread it around (that could have sounded better). Eggs are in short supply encouraging females to be choosy but to opportunistically mate with the best males available. Over time the hope is that the species thrives and the DNA best suited to survival gets passed on.

Now that might sound like the start of an argument supporting infidelity but it isnÂ’t. There are plenty of other biological impulses hotwired into our systemsÂ… fight or flight behaviour for example. On top of that, there is a competing set of impulses in favour of monogamy. Males want to ensure that their children are born and nurtured, not someone elseÂ’s. Females seeking security and sustenance for their children seek the permanency of a partner. Animal sexual behaviour is an intricate balance of competing impulses.

Humans have one major advantage in this area. We are conscious beings capable of reflective thought and can deliberately overrule our natural impulses. After a stern dressing down, you may want to clock your boss, but rationally you understand that such behaviour is not a good idea.

On the flip side, we also experience the curve ball of love, an overpowering, complex emotion which appears in many forms but frequently combines with our thoughts on sex (why else the synonymous phrase ‘making love’?)

So what are the rational and ethical considerations that underpin our social understanding (as opposed to biological impulses) of sex and love? As social beings existing within a complex civic framework, we are caught between competing ideals of freedom and responsibility.

Freedom is the value of the individual to do as they please for personal pleasure. Responsibility is the need to temper the quest for personal pleasure where it threatens the happiness and freedom of others and the social fabric itself.

Society has some central concernsÂ… violence due to male territorial behaviour is disruptiveÂ… children need to be cared for (and may or may not be better off with two parents). I donÂ’t think they are particularly relevant to this here.

So what, if anything, are the responsibilities of the ‘couple’? Clearly everyone can have a different conception of what a couple constitutes but certain phrases reoccur through this thread… trust and honesty figure strongly.

We are all social creatures and the face we show to the world reflects thatÂ… it is often a representation of ourselves, as weÂ’d like to be, as weÂ’d like others to see us. It is, I think, with our partners that we are most openÂ… the representation of ourselves is closest to the reality. In doing that we give our lovers tremendous insight, wonderful intimacy and the power if they so choose to cause us terrible pain. Relationships exist on trust because without it we would never show our true face.

Because of that power, that intimacy and that insight, we owe responsibility to our partnersÂ… to respect their feelings, to protect their identities, to minimise their pain inasmuch as we can. In short, to be faithful to them.

So where did sexual fidelity and emotional fidelity get intertwined? Perhaps it is as simple as this:

Emotional fidelity is the product of a special connection, a feeling of closeness and intimacy that extends even beyond the best of friendships. Sex is a manifestation of physical intimacy and as such differentiates the lover from the friend no matter how close. ‘You are my lover because we make love; you are only my friend because we do not.’

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by Mae West
Sex is emotion in motion.

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In those circumstances, the unique nature of the loving relationship and its protected status, the very status that enables the greatest intimacy, the lowering of masks and the ability to truly be ourselves is devalued because the signifier of that different status is no longer unique at all.

Consequently, I disagree that in respecting fidelity we reflect some neurotic insecurity or concern about being threatened. Neither, outside the most brutish and abusive relationships, is it an effort to control or own a partner.

Fidelity is hard, certainly it is harder than promiscuity. It involves the conscious overruling of biological impulses. In that respect it shows the importance we place on our relationship with our partner and is a highly visible example of the many compromises we make because above all we value that person and that relationship and seek to protect it.

NB - I have no experience personally of a polygamous relationship but would draw a distinction between polygamy and infidelity in as much as all parties to a polygamous relationship are emotionally and sexually involved in it and would imagine therefore that the same basic issues apply.