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Hehe I loved the kiddie answers one, excellent 
Posted: 08:24 Aug 19 2005
Just another bunch of random funnies
Okay I ran into some funnies and wanted to share them with all of you. And yes I'm very well aware it isn't Friday yet 
All you ever wanted to know about having a baby:
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
And some other unrelated funnies:
Top-10 bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
1 . "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces !"
2 . "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day ... think about it"
3 . "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker !"
4 . "Guns don't kill people ... Class 2 Phasers do !"
5 . "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds !"
6 . "CAUTION ... We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
7 . "If you can read this ... Don't you think you're a wee bit too close ?"
8 . "Have you hugged a Ferengi today ?"
9 . "We brake for cubes !"
10. "Wesley On Board !"
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10 - O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
09 - Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation
08 - Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
07 - Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
06 - Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
05 - Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
04 - Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
03 - Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
02 - After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
01 - Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Lightbulb jokes and more
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious ! According to the site I copied it from it comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected, incorrect spelling has been left in
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone...
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes ?
B: Still no idea.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes ?
A: A piiig.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach ?
A: Nothing, it just waved !
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife ?
A: Mississippi
A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow !"
Here's a cute little poem...
Owed Two a Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
What's in a name ?
The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo),is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), of a large South African metropolitan hospital. However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say : "Picabo, ICU" - A good clean story is hard to find these days...
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out ?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum..."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer ?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune ?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
And some funny lines to finish off this huge post:
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one! (or make lemonade)
A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
There's no future in time travel.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM... the doctor nearly had a heart attack !
Thats all fokes
All you ever wanted to know about having a baby:
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
And some other unrelated funnies:
Top-10 bumperstickers on the U.S.S. Enterprise
1 . "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces !"
2 . "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day ... think about it"
3 . "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker !"
4 . "Guns don't kill people ... Class 2 Phasers do !"
5 . "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds !"
6 . "CAUTION ... We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
7 . "If you can read this ... Don't you think you're a wee bit too close ?"
8 . "Have you hugged a Ferengi today ?"
9 . "We brake for cubes !"
10. "Wesley On Board !"
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10 - O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
09 - Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation
08 - Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
07 - Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
06 - Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
05 - Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
04 - Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
03 - Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
02 - After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
01 - Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Lightbulb jokes and more
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious ! According to the site I copied it from it comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected, incorrect spelling has been left in
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone...
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes ?
B: Still no idea.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes ?
A: A piiig.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach ?
A: Nothing, it just waved !
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife ?
A: Mississippi
A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow !"
Here's a cute little poem...
Owed Two a Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
What's in a name ?
The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo),is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), of a large South African metropolitan hospital. However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say : "Picabo, ICU" - A good clean story is hard to find these days...
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out ?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum..."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer ?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune ?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
And some funny lines to finish off this huge post:
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one! (or make lemonade)
A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
There's no future in time travel.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM... the doctor nearly had a heart attack !
Thats all fokes
2 Replies and 976 Views in Total.
Some other kiddie answers:
Teaching scientific concepts can be a challenge. Below is a sampling of some of the more interesting test answers from students collected by science and health teachers at various grade levels, printed in Popular Science magazine.
* When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
* The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
* Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
* Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
* To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
* Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
* Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydogin is gin and water.
* A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
* The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the borax
* contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toward the moon, because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
* For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
* Liter: A nest of young puppies. Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
* Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
* H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
* To prevent contraception use a condominium.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Teaching scientific concepts can be a challenge. Below is a sampling of some of the more interesting test answers from students collected by science and health teachers at various grade levels, printed in Popular Science magazine.
* When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
* The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
* Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
* Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
* To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
* Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
* Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
* Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydogin is gin and water.
* A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
* The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the borax
* contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
* The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toward the moon, because nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
* For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
* Liter: A nest of young puppies. Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
* Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
* H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
* To prevent contraception use a condominium.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Posted: 09:27 Aug 19 2005